


Wonderings

by owlaashi



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: But the end is kind of happy, M/M, Oikawa is stuck in a mental hole, This wasn't supposed to end like this but it did, some of it is a little sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-08
Updated: 2017-03-08
Packaged: 2018-09-30 20:28:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,018
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10171211
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/owlaashi/pseuds/owlaashi
Summary: “You said you didn’t have any regrets. Is that true?”“I much rather refer to them as wonderings.”





	

The pillow beneath Toorus cheek has long since been cool, now an uncomfortable warm as he stares absently out a sliver of the window that isn’t hidden behind curtains. He counts the rain drops as they drip down the windowpane in his line of vision, _one, two, three, four_ and on and on mindlessly. The storm outside isn’t quiet by any means, but he can’t for the life of him locate the sound of the rain on the roof or the distant booming of thunder that stirs the body lying next to him. If it weren’t for the body beside him shifting upward Tooru would not have registered the third, fourth and fifth booming of thunder outside the small apartment — it still isn’t enough to move him. Tooru absently runs his fingers along the carpet, his focus changes to the feeling blood rushing to the hand hanging off the bed all the while noting that his other feels numb from its home under the pillow. _Has his head always been this heavy?_  
  
Tooru wasn’t always like this, so apathetic. There had been a time where he would have considered himself full of life, fun to be around, the life of the party, out-going, but not now, not since he’d graduated College. Of course, that isn’t to say that he isn’t those things some of the time, he still considers himself to be the life of the party, and on certain days he might even say he’s out-going. But coming to the realization that volleyball was over with had hit him harder than he’d had _ever_ imagined.  
  
“Tooru-chan?”  
  
“Mm?”  
  
Tooru can feel their gaze on his bare back and suddenly, for maybe the first time in his entire life, he feels the need to cover himself; like their gaze is strong enough to see through him, to see every miniscule thought in his head, every emotion that courses through him. _But that’s_ funny, _because no one can do that, not anymore_.  
  
“Can I ask you something about last night?”  
  
He makes another noncommittal noise that sounds like he’s agreeing to the question asked, but he would like to forget about what had happened last night. Not that it was embarrassing, or troublesome, it was just _something_.  
  
“You said you didn’t have any regrets. Is that true?”  
  
That catches him off guard and he stops counting the rain drops that have begun to pick up their pace. For the first time since he’d woken up this morning he’s attuned to all the sounds around him: the rain, the thunder, his blood rushing in his ears, the television on in the next room. Out of all the things that Koushi could have asked him _that_ is what he had decided to go with.  
  
“Not entirely, I suppose.” He gives a terrible attempt at shrugging his shoulders, as he picks at the fibers of the carpet. “I much rather refer to them as wonderings.”  
  
Koushi gives a light laugh, something that almost reminds Tooru of an angel; but that might just be because no matter what light he’s in, what he’s doing, what he’s wearing or saying Koushi looks like an angel. “Wonderings? What on Earth.”  
  
Wonderings. What would had happened if things had turned out differently?  
  
A hum sounds in the back of Tooru’s throat, radiating through his chest. There are so many Wonderings that he thinks of often enough that if one knew about it, they might tell him it’s unhealthy. But that’s what he’s been lately, hasn’t it? It would fit perfectly into the nice slump he’s found himself in for the past year or so. Not even looking at Koushi’s angel face had been enough to yank him out.  


> _The spring Tournament, his coach switches out Kunimi for Mad-dog-chan, and he can’t help but feel a twinge of something in his chest as he watches the second year walk onto the court. He’s a double-edge sword and everyone on the team knows it, mostly Tooru himself. Regardless of what he tries to tell him he doesn’t listen, number sixteen just grunts and does what he wants — unless Iwaziumi tells him. Even then every throw to him could be a stab from the sword in the wrong direction._

  
What would have happened if Kunimi had never been switched out? It isn’t a secret that Akira was an intelligent player, certainly they would have been _fine_. Would the match had been as close as it was if Mad-Dog-Chan never been switched in to shake things up? Tooru often finds himself wondering whether Seijoh would have been able to beat Karasuno. But, had he not been switched in would Tooru still thrown that _amazing_ pass to Iwaizumi at the end? Would he have been able to crush Kageyama in yet _another_ match?

He can feel the angel’s eyes on his back again, this time making Tooru shiver down to his toes. But he isn’t done yet. The answer to the question is still right on the tip of his tongue, but he can’t help but hold back from letting the words slip out. Once they do he won’t be able to wonder about them, the atmosphere would change and he would find himself back in his neat little slump.

> _Choosing Aoba Johsai was a no brainer at the time. If Iwaizumi was going, then he was going to be going there were no ifs, ands, or buts about it. The two of them had known each other since they were little kids, watching Iwaizumi catch buts while he stayed a safe enough distance away from them. They indulged each other’s interests, and most importantly they both fell in love with volleyball together. The school was relatively close to their family homes, and he didn’t hurt that Tooru knew he would look drop dead gorgeous in their school uniform and his glasses._

  
It hadn’t even occurred to little Oikawa Tooru at the time that going to Shiratorizawa Academy might have been a better move volleyball career wise. They were a top powerhouse school, and could have used his talents above and beyond what anyone at Aoba Johsai could have. They had the number one ranked Ace at their school and the two of them combined could have hit everything until it broke. But Oikawa hadn’t wanted another Ace, he wanted Iwaizumi, he wanted his best friend and that’s what he got.

It hadn’t ever mattered to him that he chose the school that he did, but he can’t help but wonder what would had become of him. Would he have been considered a champion? If he had gone to Shiratorizawa would they still have won Nationals three years in a row? Would Tooru be playing Volleyball professionally right now? Would he had to have given up his hope of making it to the Japan National team because he worked his knee into unplayable condition?

His knee aside, he still doesn’t consider that to be the _worst_ of all his Wonderings. The worst of them all is also the one that he can’t help but dwell on the most, the one that keeps him awake at night, the one that lurks in the darkest and brightest corners of his life. It’s probably the _only_ wondering that he wonders about the most.  


> _College without Iwaizumi had been rough. Despite the constant phone calls, text messages, face times and Skype calls he still felt like a piece of him was missing. It was perhaps the exact time that he had realized that maybe Hajime Iwaizumi was more than just his best friend. That maybe sleeping in the same bed up until they left for different colleges, and falling asleep on laps, or sharing sips of their drinks had somehow changed without the two of them realizing it. So, when Iwaizumi had texted him during class to tell him he needed more ramen in his dorm, Tooru squealed a little too loudly in class and skipped the second half after break._  
>    
>  _He had said that he was going to stay for the weekend, and that they should do something fun. Naturally Tooru had taken that to mean going to the local bar, getting drunk and signing Karaoke together until Iwaizumi had to drag him home. A normal night for the two of them.  
>  _  
>  _It was in his drunken haze, as Iwaizumi was getting him into bed that Tooru had kissed him. And pulled him down onto the bed. And wrapped his arms around his shoulders. And insisted that there was something there. To which Iwaizumi unwrapped his arms, tucked him into bed with the a mumbled ‘You’re drunk’ and left to sleep on the small couch. Truthfully, Tooru hadn’t been that drunk, and he waited the entire next day to see if Iwaizumi would say anything about it. He hadn’t, but he did mention that he had been talking to someone, and upon seeing the downfallen look on Tooru’s face asked if he was alright. To which Tooru had immediately put on a smile, and waved a hand at Iwaizumi and replied ‘Ah, Iwa-Chan no one is going to fall for you if you’re always so mean. You didn’t even sing with me last night!’_

What might have happened if Tooru had opened his mouth and said right then when Iwaizumi asked him if he was alright, and told him that he thinks he is was in love with him. Would Iwaizumi had returned the feelings? Maybe if he had he would have been laying here with him instead of Koushi. Maybe if Tooru hadn’t held back for once in his life he might still have bits of Iwaizumi in his life. Would he even have returned the feelings? Or would he have laughed in Toorus face?

Instead Iwaizumi ended up dating someone else, and then another someone else and eventually they were engaged and Tooru had to pretend to be happy for him when he found out, but he couldn’t get his smile to reach his eyes and he’s sure that Matsukawa noticed.

“It’s foolish to call your past decisions ‘mistakes’ or ‘regrets’, don’t you think?” Finally, after all that time he opens his mouth. Tooru turns over onto his back, reaching out a hand to slide along the side of Koushi’s face. Absently as he speaks his thumb brushes over his cheek bones. “At one time or another you chose what to do because you felt it was the right choice at the time. It’s only ever called a mistake or regret when it doesn’t go your way.”

Tooru feels that way Koushi leans into his hand, as Koushi’s own comes to rest against Toorus. His palm feels cooler than the pillow his head is on, and he hopes that maybe one day he’ll be able to keep that hand warm. “That’s certainly a way to look at it.”

“So, I call them Wonderings, because I sometimes wonder what would have happened if things had gone another way. Would Seijoh had won if we’d never put in Kyotani? That sort of thing.”

“You most certainly would _not_ have.” Koushi laughs.

He laughs enough that Tooru can forget about the what-ifs, that he can stop obsessing over what might have happened for the time being and focus on what he has. Koushi laughs enough that he makes Tooru laugh, a louder laugh than he would have let out the previous day. Or even the day before that. It isn’t nearly himself, but it’s something, it’s getting there.

Tooru isn’t healed, but he’s healing.  
Tooru isn’t out of his slump, but he’s trying.  
Tooru isn’t lost, but he’s wandering.  
Tooru isn’t just volleyball, he’s something else.  
Tooru isn’t just _what ifs_ , he’s also _right nows_.

“Just like I wonder what would happen to me, if you agreed to move in.”

The look on Koushi’s face is enough to make Tooru forget about Iwaizumi’s engagement, his bum knee, his failed volleyball career, and his lack of sense. What comes next is enough to get him to _try again_.

“I guess we’ll have to see then, won’t we?”

**Author's Note:**

> So, I got this idea from a quote that a cousin of mine posted on Instagram, and it really sparked my creative juices. It did not come out the way that I had originally planned, but isn't that _always_ how it happens?
> 
> This is the first piece of written work that I've done in awhile, so I am aware that it is probably _not_ that best thing that has ever been written. The piece was beta-ed by my lovely friend @isntyet.
> 
> If there is anything that you like let me know, just like if there is something you didn't like let me know ; constructive criticism is the only way that I'm going to get better.
> 
> Thank you for reading xx.


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